Drew, before we met

 Let me tell you about why its great, the chicks that dig him (too much), NSKrue, and bass.

The best thing is waking up from a nap beside him.

One day his mom told us, “Brenda, I thought you went home because when I peeked in his room you were spooned so closely together ya looked like one person!” 

Well, that’s the point, isn’t it? That one day, every girl would have a man that knows her so intimately that she may be totally, uniquely herself yet totally one with another?

It’s funny to look back on the beginning of things. I rolled my eyes when “Drew” popped up on my phone: “I just don’t wanna hang out with that dude,” I thought. But, deeply I suspected the issue was different. It was like a few unfortunate things in my life; I tended to run away from what I wanted the most. For, to lose something one doesn’t care about is easy. It is so simple to shrug and say, “Well, I didn’t like that guy anyway” when he leaves. However, to lose that dream job or that dream guy, there is where the heartbreak lies. That is the risk of going for what one truly desires.

Drew had long hair and, thanks to the good ol’ technology of Myspace, I also knew he loved metal and had best friends that dumped obscene amounts of Bud onto that long hair…

When we first met, we were both wearing black t-shirts, loose jeans, and a gray hoodie, from which our nearly identical long, wavy hair fell. Only a friend noticed the obvious, laughed, and insisted upon a picture, which led to our very first awkward touch. He put his arm around my waist and I smiled.

It’s been wonderful, fretful, adventuresome, and blissful ever since:

This relationship has been wonderful because he came into my life just when I needed him. I’ve spent so many countless hours searching my mind, prayers and around town for the “perfect guy.” I kept thinking that if only God would send this mysterious person I could stop thinking about it all the time & relax. That has been true. Although, I regret not being relaxed the whole stupid time, knowing that I could have the faith that God would provide the perfect guy at the perfect time…

The first day we met

This relationship has been fretful because it’s 2006 and girls don’t respect relationships. Drew has that strong jaw-line, killa smile, gorgeous eyes and chicks just can’t contain their excitement sometimes. Haha! Honestly though, I love hearing a girl say he’s hot, or even that she’s in pursuit of him. However, there’s at least one culprit that drives me insane. There’s a girl that is richer than I could fathom right now, and apparently doesn’t take “no” for an answer. Oh, she’s gorgeous too. Hooray. Imagine my thrill. The sound of her name, and especially the spelling of it popping on his phone makes my blood boil. So, I loving renamed her “Bertha.” However, I finally had to step back and think about it. I claim to love girls, so its hardly fair I make an exception and truly delight in making fun of her for emailing him modeling pictures and inviting him to an “innocent” breakfast. Thankfully, Bertha blew her “harmless friend” cover before the meal ever happened announcing, “Well, Drew, she’s not gonna be your girlfriend forever. Why don’t you just call me when you realize I’m better than her?” I may or may not entertain fantasies of slamming her over the head with her own Louis Vuitton bag but, push comes to shove, I doubt this is our last encounter with an attempted seduction. My wise best friend Tony explained, “Hey, you can’t put rules and limits on each other. He’s not your property. If he wants to have breakfast with that girl, let him. It will only build the necessary trust in your relationship when he sees through her and chooses you.” Trust takes time and patience. “Hey, he is telling you all these things after-all, yeah? He obviously loves and respects you.” That is true; nothing is hidden and, in another incident, he’s proved that not even a naked girl could win him. Frankly, not even a movie star could woo me now either. Except maybe Christopher Walken in the 70’s, but that chance expired 30 years ago, so we should be in the clear now.

 This relationship has been adventurous because we are both adventurous by nature. We both tool around and let life throw crazy stuff at us, even inviting it, for better of worse. Most of Drew’s adventures have taken place among his friends in NSKrue. It’s…it’s…indescribable. A bunch of guys that somehow created this vibe of “we don’t give a rats’ ass” and live by it regularly, for better or worse and worst. The first time I met Jay and Prince they both just rammed their bodies into my car and made me park while they drank beer on my hood, while I was still driving it, of course. Every time since has been some sort of boring place the Krue turns into an event, or fight, or whorehouse. Luckily for me, although NS is still a part of his life, it’s not his everyday lifestyle. Although, I will say, I find his past incredibly attractive. I would never give someone the thumbs up to go insane and party ’til they near death, however, when a guy has that under his belt and has overcome it, he is a man. Mistakes and adventures give him a depth and wisdom I’ve always craved in a partner. Also, he doesn’t fear. I’ve never witnessed a bit of insecurity or a bit of hesitance in standing up for what he knows he is.

 Finally, this relationship has been wonderful because of the bass, aka Drew’s ability to relax and enjoy the moment. My absolute favorite time with him to date was when we hiked through trees and rocks and a river carrying backpacks and fishing for bass. The sun was hitting him just right, and it was the first time I realized we don’t need much, at all, to enjoy each other.

 We can both be fancy-schmansy in LA, crazy fools with NS, polite kids with our parents, driven workers with our dreams, and committed lovers with each other. He has already overcome temptation and shown me nothing but the up most respect whether behind closed doors or among friends. Not to mention, his longing for my success and joy and his will to protect me from all harm blesses me with a restored resolve to keep on keeping on. In short, time will tell, but my heart is yelling pretty strongly, “Hooray! The search is over!” Hooray.

Steven impatiently stood behind us tapping his giant foot. I glanced and rolled my eyes, loudly, “My mom hates Steven Seagal!” Court’s eyes nearly popped out of her pretty head as she noticed daggers fly from Steven’s direction. I couldn’t believe I’d just said that! Quickly saving face, “But, I LOVE him!” Court must have seen him smile because her body relaxed again as she shook her head at me and smiled.

Now, I look back on that moment and it makes me sad. Not because I was nearly kung fu-attacked by the king of action, but because I loudly offended him for one beautiful reason: I was so new to LA that I’d honestly forgotten he was a human being, outside of the television, standing in real life.

There is quite a blissful ignorance when you’re a teenage girl living in a small town in Jersey. I used to watch the Oscars with a star-struck heart, truly believing every word that was spoken. I was veiled from the drama, unaware of the charades, and ignorant to the publicity stunts.

I am not one of those who share the notion that Hollywood is a town that swallows girls up and spits them out. It’s rarely that simple. There is not a magic potion in the water here that robs people of a nutrient called, “common sense and morals” and leaves us blindsided by this cruel city; not at all.

If you are a woman, with goals of stardom, fame, and fortune, of course you’re gonna end up naked in a gutter after having cocaine snorted off your plastic surgery enhanced body by some delinquent movie star. Not quite “of course”, but nearly certain. Why? Because there has got to be far more than fame and fortune that drives one’s passionate heart.

So, after three and a half years of living in Los Angeles, today I had to ask myself, “When did I go from jumping blissfully at every opportunity to forgetting to attend a fashion show, getting mad that Owen Wilson cut in front of me at the bar, and begrudgingly walking an actor’s dog around Paramount Studios?”

I am not saying I ought to let actors unfairly cut in line or gleefully put dog poo into little baggies, but by-God I ought to be excited I’m following my heart and what I believe God’s plans for me are! I was sidetracked for a while and when I share more details of my previous year, one might say “rightfully so”. But, if only I’d change my perspective and let God re-ignite my passion, I could press in again!

So, as a writer and an actress, I pledge to do this; I pledge to live passionately again. And, most importantly, fearlessly again.

Here is a list of the jobs I’ve had, from most recent to least recent:

Celebrity assistant *Celebrity stylist* Fashion Editor* Model* Composer’s assistant* Photo shoot stylist* Princess for birthday parties* Movie theater ticket-taker* Tanning salon reception* New York Fashion Week show organizer & model casting* Gold’s Gym employee* Radio station promoter* band promoter* product promotions* gift delivery* USC Librarian* Waitress* Retail* babysitter* florist* bank teller* temp… Gosh I know I’m forgetting several jobs right now.

The point being, what is missing from this list? Only the 2 things that be still my beating heart. Only the two careers that drive me to wake up each day in this city, come hell or high water: acting and writing. As I prayed the other night I finally realized, I’ve had a million jobs, simply running away from the things I want the most. The reason is, that I fear failing at what I feel I need to succeed in.

So, sorry this a rare blog that is not in story form. The next ones will be. I just realized that its time to forget all the nonsense, forget all the looming dangers, and just pursue my dreams. I finally decided to get a commercial agent to start with and my current goals include nailing an embarrassing feminine commercial (such as Vagisil or pads) and hopefully a rap video. Then, Conan will have great material to make fun of when the time comes.