At last I am sitting on our white shag rug and the yellow cushions I lazily drug from our couch. The Wildfox shoot is all done and the photos are incredible! Can’t wait to show you the results on Monday or so.

Drew just landed a job working at his dream post production company. It’s the equivalent of me walking on the Paramount lot or a spoiled bimbo getting her own reality show on E!.

Steven impatiently stood behind us tapping his giant foot. I glanced and rolled my eyes, loudly, “My mom hates Steven Seagal!” Court’s eyes nearly popped out of her pretty head as she noticed daggers fly from Steven’s direction. I couldn’t believe I’d just said that! Quickly saving face, “But, I LOVE him!” Court must have seen him smile because her body relaxed again as she shook her head at me and smiled.

Now, I look back on that moment and it makes me sad. Not because I was nearly kung fu-attacked by the king of action, but because I loudly offended him for one beautiful reason: I was so new to LA that I’d honestly forgotten he was a human being, outside of the television, standing in real life.

There is quite a blissful ignorance when you’re a teenage girl living in a small town in Jersey. I used to watch the Oscars with a star-struck heart, truly believing every word that was spoken. I was veiled from the drama, unaware of the charades, and ignorant to the publicity stunts.

I am not one of those who share the notion that Hollywood is a town that swallows girls up and spits them out. It’s rarely that simple. There is not a magic potion in the water here that robs people of a nutrient called, “common sense and morals” and leaves us blindsided by this cruel city; not at all.

If you are a woman, with goals of stardom, fame, and fortune, of course you’re gonna end up naked in a gutter after having cocaine snorted off your plastic surgery enhanced body by some delinquent movie star. Not quite “of course”, but nearly certain. Why? Because there has got to be far more than fame and fortune that drives one’s passionate heart.

So, after three and a half years of living in Los Angeles, today I had to ask myself, “When did I go from jumping blissfully at every opportunity to forgetting to attend a fashion show, getting mad that Owen Wilson cut in front of me at the bar, and begrudgingly walking an actor’s dog around Paramount Studios?”

I am not saying I ought to let actors unfairly cut in line or gleefully put dog poo into little baggies, but by-God I ought to be excited I’m following my heart and what I believe God’s plans for me are! I was sidetracked for a while and when I share more details of my previous year, one might say “rightfully so”. But, if only I’d change my perspective and let God re-ignite my passion, I could press in again!

So, as a writer and an actress, I pledge to do this; I pledge to live passionately again. And, most importantly, fearlessly again.

Here is a list of the jobs I’ve had, from most recent to least recent:

Celebrity assistant *Celebrity stylist* Fashion Editor* Model* Composer’s assistant* Photo shoot stylist* Princess for birthday parties* Movie theater ticket-taker* Tanning salon reception* New York Fashion Week show organizer & model casting* Gold’s Gym employee* Radio station promoter* band promoter* product promotions* gift delivery* USC Librarian* Waitress* Retail* babysitter* florist* bank teller* temp… Gosh I know I’m forgetting several jobs right now.

The point being, what is missing from this list? Only the 2 things that be still my beating heart. Only the two careers that drive me to wake up each day in this city, come hell or high water: acting and writing. As I prayed the other night I finally realized, I’ve had a million jobs, simply running away from the things I want the most. The reason is, that I fear failing at what I feel I need to succeed in.

So, sorry this a rare blog that is not in story form. The next ones will be. I just realized that its time to forget all the nonsense, forget all the looming dangers, and just pursue my dreams. I finally decided to get a commercial agent to start with and my current goals include nailing an embarrassing feminine commercial (such as Vagisil or pads) and hopefully a rap video. Then, Conan will have great material to make fun of when the time comes.